Relationship Reflection

Many people have come in and out of my life.  I have some of the most wonderful memories of relationships that I had with friends in elementary school, friends in junior high school, friendships I had in high school and college, dance friends, work friends, and family.  I have enjoyed reconnecting with some of those friends through social media and reminiscing.

I am extremely blessed to have some relationships in which I have found love, trust, support, strength, and a whole lot more.  Each of these relationships is unique and such an inmportant part of who I am.  I'd like to share a little about each of my relationships.

Michael and I

I have known my husband since I was sixteen years old.  In fact, he first asked me out when I was sixteen...I said, "No."  He didn't give up on trying to ask me out over the following six years until I finally said, "Yes."  We have been married for almost twenty-two years now.  Our journey together has definitely had good times and bad, sickness and health, but we work together and support each other along the way.  We have seen each other at our worst and best.  We fight, we argue, we laugh, we love.

Thomas and I

I was blessed with my son, Thomas, nineteen years ago.  I love him so very much!  What a privilege it has been to be his mom.  He was born with Spina Bifida, but he hasn't let it define who he is.  Seeing the world through his eyes has been amazing.  To say that I have enjoyed his teenage years would not be totally true!  The emotional ups and downs during the teen years can stress any parent out.  Thomas made me a mother for the first time and with that came unconditional love.  In my relationship with Thomas, I have grown to be more patient and have learned how strong I can be.  I have learned to be an advocate.  I was with him every step of his journey in the boy scouts from the time he started as a tiger until he earned his eagle.  I have also learned way more about Pokemon than I have ever wanted to know!

Theresse and I

I was blessed with my daughter, Theresse, almost fifteen years ago.  I love her so very much!  She taught me that you can unconditionally love more than one child with all of your heart and soul.  I shared my love of dance with her and she embraced it with a passion.  Watching her dance brings me such joy.  Theresse is a fierce friend to others and shows compassion and kindness to others.  She has an amazing spirit.  I get to share "girl time" moments with her and other favorites like books and movies.

My parents, Charles and Carol

My relationship with my parents has been one of the biggest blessings in my life.  I have learned so much from each of them and along the way I have introduced them to new ideas and experiences as well.  One thing that they have always done is love and support me throughout my life.  Even when I made choices that they would not have made they were there to listen and help in any way they could.  Dance was my passion and not something either one of them really knew about.  They have grown to love and appreciate the art form now.

Heather and I

I feel the term "best friend" has become over-used in today's society.  Heather has been my best friend for over forty years.  We met when we were four years old and about to start Kindergarten.  Our fathers were in the Navy and we happened to live across the street from each other in Navy housing.  We grew up together.  Playing with Barbie dolls, making cardboard box forts, swimming in the lake, sleep overs, girl scouts...we did it all!  Our friendship survived long distances when our fathers were transferred to other states (back when we kept in touch by writing actual letters!).  Our relationship has taught me many things, but most of all trust and true friendship.

Ryanne, Jezzamyn, and I at a work function.

Ryanne started dancing at my studio when she was twelve and Jezzamyn started dancing at my studio when she was thirteen.  I taught them to dance, cheered them as the performed, and had the pleasure of watching them each grow into beautiful young women.  I trained them to teach dance to ages 3-18.  After graduating from high school, both girls decided to pursue their education in the early childhood field.  And, then both joined my preschool teaching team at my full-time day job.  I expereinced the "teen years" with these two before my own children became teenagers.  Seeing each of them blossom into young early childhood professionals and mentoring them along the way has been such an honor.  They have taught me to relax, have fun, and not sweat the small stuff.

Hmmm...a little math!

People often scoff or laugh when I say that I am a head teacher in a preschool classroom.  They basically believe that I am a glorified babysitter.  Even parents say things such as, "Well, when my child goes to real school with real teachers..."  Um, what?!  The minimum requirement for my job is a four year degree in early childhood education.  Yet, the starting salary for my position (at the agency where I am employed) is $26,426.  Compared to the salary for an assistant manager at McDonald's - $31,464 (http://www.glassdoor.com/Salary/McDonald-s-Salaries-E432.htm).

I'd like to share a little math I came across:

 

Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage.

Teachers should only be paid less than minimum wage. They are nothing more than glorified babysitters. And we should pay them the same way. 

That’s right. Let’s give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM

with 45 min. off for lunch and plan — that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now how many do they teach in day…maybe 30? So that’s $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET’S SEE…. That’s $585 X 180= $105,300 peryear. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master’s degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children

X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute — there’s something wrong here! There sure is!

And it ain't teacher pay. 

The average teacher’s salary (nation wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student–a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) (http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=219x32012)

Simple Quotes that Speak Volumes

Read, read, read!  

Everyone needs to play!

It is so important to give children a solid foundation to build their successes upon!

Assessing Learning

There are many types of assessment programs for Early Childhood Programs.  Some of these include:  Brigance, DECA (Devereux Early Childhood Assessment), and ASQ (Ages and Stages Child Monitoring Program).  When these assessments are administered seems to be based on the individual program.  Most early childhood programs will assess a child after they have been in the program for at least 30 days.

I have found that these assessment tests allow me to see which areas a child may need more learning experiences in and which areas a child may be strong in.  For example, I may discover through assessment testing that a four year old has exceptional language development, but may require more exposure to early experiences in mathematics.

As a result of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, elementary school-aged children in Connecticut currently partake in standardized testing.  They have to take the CMT's (Connecticut Mastery Test) and the CAPT's (Connecticut Academic Performance Test).  Standardized testing is a hot topic of debate.  Some believe that standardized tests are an accurate tool for testing academic achievement and some believe that the there are too many variables that can produce flawed results. I believe that standardized tests can be used, but should not be the sole determining factor of a child's progress.

Many argue that the United States does too much testing.  There is alot of debate surrounding the Common Core Standards that have been implemented throughout the public school system.  However, other countries also test their children's academic progress.  For example, Finland requires only one test.  That's right!  One test.  This one test is administered at the end of high school and spans of six days.  Over forty hours of testing!  Most of their universities also require passing entrance exams.  That's double testing back to back.  Japanese children have to pass a placement exam in order to get into high school!

I believe that we do need to assess children's learning and academic progress in order to better support them for success.  How we go about that still needs some work.

References
http://www.npr.org/2014/04/30/308057862/u-s-tests-teens-a-lot-but-worldwide-exam-stakes-are-higher
http://standardizedtests.procon.org/#background

Children and Families - Stressful Living

           By the end of 2010, there were 2.3 million inmates in the United States.  In 2010 in the state of Connecticut, there were 18, 349 inmates (“Department of Corrections”).  Nearly half of those inmates are married men with children.  Incarceration is an extremely difficult process to go through for anyone.  When men are incarcerated, they are ripped from their families and their societies and they are confined in an institution that temporarily takes away their roles as husbands and fathers (Martin).  There is no question that men in prison suffer mentally, physically, and emotionally, however, their wives and children are also deeply affected as a result of their loved one’s incarceration.  I have worked with children and families that are living through the stress of having an incarcerated loved one.  What they have said is they often feel ashamed and alone.  It is so important to be a source of non-judgmental support for them.

When a man with children is incarcerated, he is not the only one affected.  The family as a whole suffers not only the stress of separation and the adversities that accompany it, but they also carry a burden of shame (Martin).  Fathers often reflect on their inability to safeguard, care for, and monitor their children while in prison (Arditti, Smock, and Parkman).  Statistically, children with a parent in jail have economic hardships and typically develop behavioral problems (Geller, Garfinkel, Cooper, and Mincy).  Children separated from their fathers can exhibit aggressive behavior, their schoolwork may suffer, and they can develop emotional problems depending on how the family handles the absence (Barretti and Beitin).   Dealing with the issues as they present themselves rather than placating the problems, is a proactive approach to keeping the family unit strong and cohesive.  I have worked with a family that chose to tell the children that their dad was away at school and I have worked with a family in which the child was very aware that his dad was "in jail."  In both cases, the children still exhibited the effects of stress because the father's absence was overwhelmingly difficult for the family to deal with.  Early childhood caregivers should make sure that these children in their care receive consistency.

Unfortunately, men are not always confined to correctional facilities near their family home.  It can be extremely difficult for fathers to maintain relationships with their children while incarcerated due to their geographical location from their homes, transportation issues, financial hardships, visitation policies and restrictions, and the offensive treatment by correctional officers (Arditti, Smock, and Parkman).  While some fathers don’t want their children to see them in the prison environment and others feel that visits can emotionally upset their children (Arditti, Smock, and Parkman).  I helped one of my families by researching and finding an organization that assists families with travel to and from the facilities where their loved ones are incarcerated.  It really made a difference when they were able to spend some time together.

Inmates definitely undergo difficult processes while serving out their sentences, but often the wives of these inmates are left alone to deal with many hardships.  Millions of women have their lives turned upside down and inside out when their husbands are incarcerated.  These wives experience economic loss, social stigmatisms, and limited rights (Comfort).   Wives with incarcerated husbands experience substantial loss of income, foreclosure on their homes or inability to afford the housing they were in, and difficulty finding affordable childcare when they are forced to work more.  These circumstances force these women to reach out to family and friends for assistance (Martin).  Many wives with a husband behind bars have additional financial strain from the collect calls from their spouses, the commissary monies they send, and the travel costs incurred in visiting (Martin).  Wives with incarcerated husbands are often left with a feeling of abandonment (Barretti and Beitin).  The emotional and physical stress that the mother undergoes is definitely witnessed and felt by her children.

While this is a growing issue in the United States, in other countries children and families also suffer the effects of stress from having a loved one incarcerated.  It has been twenty years since the 1994 genocide happened in Rwanda, but it's effects were lasting (Rutayisire and Richters).  Many women whose husbands were imprisoned after the genocide have had to deal with the tress of shame, anger, and social isolation (Rutayisire and Richters).  Many women tried to hide the truth from their children and worried that their daughters would not be able to find honorable husbands (Rutayisire and Richters).  Many children grow up with the fear that they to might be capable of committing crimes (Rutayisire and Richters).

I feel it is important for early childhood caregivers to be open-minded and non-judgmental when caring for children dealing with the stress of having an incarcerated parent or guardian.  It is also important to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of the family as a whole.  Both the children and the families will greatly benefit from the care and support.

References
Apel, Robert, Arjan A. J. Blokland, Paul Nieuwbeerta, and Marieke Schellen. "The Impact of Imprisonment on Marriage and Divorce: A Risk Set Matching Approach." Journal of Quantitative Criminology 26.2 (2010): 269-300. DOI 10.1007/s10940-009-9087-5. Web.

Arditti, Joyce, Sara Smock, and Tiffaney Parkman. ""It's Been Hard to Be a Father": A Qualitative Exploration of Incarcerated Fatherhood." Fathering: A Journal of Theory, Research, and Practice about Men as Fathers 3.3 (2005): 267-88. Web.

Barretti, Louis M., and Ben K. Beitin. "Creating Internships in Marriage and Family Therapy: A Collaboration Between a Training Program and an Offender Reentry Facility." Contemporary Family Therapy 32.1 (2010): 39-51. DOI 10.1007/s10591-009-9109-3. Web.

Comfort, Megan. Doing Time Together: Love and Family in the Shadow of the Prison. Chicago:      University of Chicago, 2008. Web.

"Department of Correction." CT.gov Portal. Web. 21 Nov. 2014. <http://www.ct.gov/doc/site/default.asp>.

Geller, Amanda, Irwin Garfinkel, Carey E. Cooper, and Ronald B. Mincy. "Parental Incarceration and Child Well-Being: Implications for Urban Families." Social Science Quarterly 90.5 (2009): 1186-202. Web.

Martin, Jamie S. Inside Looking Out: Jailed Fathers' Perceptions about Separation from Their Children. New York: LFB Scholarly Pub. LLC, 2001. Web.

Rutayisire, T., & Richters, A. (2014). Everyday suffering outside prison walls: A legacy of community justice in post-genocide Rwanda. Social Science & Medicine.

Breastfeeding is the Best for Baby

When I was pregnant with my first child, I at first thought I would bottle feed him.  But, during my pregnancy I read a lot about the benefits of breastfeeding and decided that I would definitely give it a try.  Since Thomas was taken to the children's hospital when he was born, I had to bring my milk in using a breast pump and allow the nursing staff to bottle feed him my breast milk during non-visiting hours (when rounds were done).  Once we brought him home he refused to take a bottle and breastfed exclusively.  He was weaned at 24 months.  Breastfeeding my second child, Theresse, was quite different.  She brought my milk in and it hurt!  I had the same lactation consultant as I had with Thomas and she strongly encouraged me to keep going.  I did!  Theresse never took a bottle and was weaned by 30 months.

Breastfeeding is so convenient.  It's always sterile, just the right temperature, and ready when the baby is hungry.  Breast milk is nutritious and easily digested.  Breastfed babies are rarely sick, they have less risk of developing allergies, and are less likely to be overweight.  When Thomas was just three months old, he and I broke out in chicken pox.  But, otherwise both of my children never had even so much as a cold in their first three years.

According to the World Health Organization:

                     "Breastfeeding is the normal way of providing young infants with the nutrients they need for healthy growth and development. Virtually all mothers can breastfeed, provided they have accurate information, and the support of their family, the health care system and society at large.  Colostrum, the yellowish, sticky breast milk produced at the end of pregnancy, is recommended by WHO as the perfect food for the newborn, and feeding should be initiated within the first hour after birth.  Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond (http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/)."

Even though the World Health Organization promotes the importance of breastfeeding, around the world less than 40% of infants under six months of age are exclusively breastfed (http://www.incultureparent.com/2012/03/breastfeeding-around-the-world/#slide1).  The Philippines have been working hard to promote the benefits of breastfeeding.  And, yet, only 27% of Filipino infants are exclusively breastfed.  However, this year over one thousand Filipino women joined together during World Breastfeeding Week to participate in a simultaneous breastfeeding event to promote awareness (http://www.rappler.com/move-ph/issues/hunger/65183-iloilo-breastfeeding-awareness-month-2014).

Breastfeeding is the best for baby!

The Day My Son was Born

January 8, 1996 was a day most people who live in Connecticut will remember as the Blizzard of '96 Ginger.  For my husband and I, it is the day our son, Thomas, was born.  Around noon, my water broke and my doctor suggested I head in to the hospital since there was a blizzard.  Shortly after getting settled into my room, they came in hooked up the monitors and discovered that Thomas was in the breech position.  I was immediately prepped for a c-section.  When they finally reached Thomas, my doctor yelled, "It's Spina Bifida! Have dad go with him now!"  Thomas' Spina Bifida had not been discovered during my prenatal care and the hospital we were in was not medically equipped to handle an infant born with a neural tube defect.  The doctor had to finish my surgery, but the room was silent.  My first child and my husband had been rushed out of the room and no one was telling me what was happening.

Once I was back in my room, another doctor came in to explain that a team from Yale Children's Hospital was on route to pick up Thomas.  They would normally have come by helicopter, but due to the blizzard they were traveling by ambulance.  My husband and my parents were with Thomas in the nursery, but due to the c-section I couldn't see him.  After several hours, the team arrived.  I was able to see Thomas for five minutes before they left.  My husband went with him.  I had to remain at the hospital for three days due to the c-section.  Thomas was an hour away in the children's hospital undergoing surgery to close his back.

It was not the first-time birth experience I had planned for.  Nor had we planned for Thomas to have Spina Bifida.  It was definitely a life changing experience!  Thomas is now eighteen years old.  He has never been able to walk - he uses a wheelchair full time.  Over the years, people have asked what it is like to have a child with a disability.  I found the following poem when Thomas was just a few months old and have shared it countless times:

"Welcome to Holland" 

By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987. All rights reserved. 

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... 

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. 

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." 

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." 

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. 

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. 

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. 

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. 

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. 

A few years later, I found this follow up poem:

Celebrating Holland- I'm Home 

By Cathy Anthony 

(my follow-up to the original ..Welcome to Holland.. by Emily Perl Kingsley) 

I have been in Holland for over a decade now. It has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned.I reflect back on those years of past when I had first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger, the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years, I tried to get back to Italy as planned, but Holland was where I was to stay. Today, I can say how far I have come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more. But, this too has been a journey of time. 

I worked hard. I bought new guidebooks. I learned a new language and I slowly found my way around this new land. I have met others whose plans had changed like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends. 

Some of these fellow travelers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many have encouraged me. Many have taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I have discovered a community of caring. Holland wasn't so bad. 

I think that Holland is used to wayward travelers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, to assist and to support newcomers like me in this new land. Over the years, I've wondered what life would have been like if I'd landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today? 

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and at times I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. And, yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift. I have learned to slow down in ways too and look closer at things, with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its tulips, windmills and Rembrandts. 

I have come to love Holland and call it Home. 

I have become a world traveler and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land. What's more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things that Holland, or any land, has to offer. 

Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned. Yet I am thankful, for this destination has been richer than I could have imagined! 

Even though being separated from Thomas for the first three days of his life was painful, I am incredibly grateful that we lived close to a hospital that was medically equipped to care for Thomas.  I recently read "Anifa's Story" (http://www.cdc.gov/features/folicacidstory/) about a baby boy born with Spina Bifida in Nigeria.  The village that he was born in has no medical facility and he had to wait nine months before his initial back closure surgery could take place.  Here in the United States, the initial back closure is done within the first 24 hours of life to reduce and further spinal cord damage and reduce the chance for infection. I also found these amazing photos of what it is like to give birth in a medical facility in Africa on this website: www.mariekevandervelden.com/giving-birth/