Children and Families - Stressful Living

           By the end of 2010, there were 2.3 million inmates in the United States.  In 2010 in the state of Connecticut, there were 18, 349 inmates (“Department of Corrections”).  Nearly half of those inmates are married men with children.  Incarceration is an extremely difficult process to go through for anyone.  When men are incarcerated, they are ripped from their families and their societies and they are confined in an institution that temporarily takes away their roles as husbands and fathers (Martin).  There is no question that men in prison suffer mentally, physically, and emotionally, however, their wives and children are also deeply affected as a result of their loved one’s incarceration.  I have worked with children and families that are living through the stress of having an incarcerated loved one.  What they have said is they often feel ashamed and alone.  It is so important to be a source of non-judgmental support for them.

When a man with children is incarcerated, he is not the only one affected.  The family as a whole suffers not only the stress of separation and the adversities that accompany it, but they also carry a burden of shame (Martin).  Fathers often reflect on their inability to safeguard, care for, and monitor their children while in prison (Arditti, Smock, and Parkman).  Statistically, children with a parent in jail have economic hardships and typically develop behavioral problems (Geller, Garfinkel, Cooper, and Mincy).  Children separated from their fathers can exhibit aggressive behavior, their schoolwork may suffer, and they can develop emotional problems depending on how the family handles the absence (Barretti and Beitin).   Dealing with the issues as they present themselves rather than placating the problems, is a proactive approach to keeping the family unit strong and cohesive.  I have worked with a family that chose to tell the children that their dad was away at school and I have worked with a family in which the child was very aware that his dad was "in jail."  In both cases, the children still exhibited the effects of stress because the father's absence was overwhelmingly difficult for the family to deal with.  Early childhood caregivers should make sure that these children in their care receive consistency.

Unfortunately, men are not always confined to correctional facilities near their family home.  It can be extremely difficult for fathers to maintain relationships with their children while incarcerated due to their geographical location from their homes, transportation issues, financial hardships, visitation policies and restrictions, and the offensive treatment by correctional officers (Arditti, Smock, and Parkman).  While some fathers don’t want their children to see them in the prison environment and others feel that visits can emotionally upset their children (Arditti, Smock, and Parkman).  I helped one of my families by researching and finding an organization that assists families with travel to and from the facilities where their loved ones are incarcerated.  It really made a difference when they were able to spend some time together.

Inmates definitely undergo difficult processes while serving out their sentences, but often the wives of these inmates are left alone to deal with many hardships.  Millions of women have their lives turned upside down and inside out when their husbands are incarcerated.  These wives experience economic loss, social stigmatisms, and limited rights (Comfort).   Wives with incarcerated husbands experience substantial loss of income, foreclosure on their homes or inability to afford the housing they were in, and difficulty finding affordable childcare when they are forced to work more.  These circumstances force these women to reach out to family and friends for assistance (Martin).  Many wives with a husband behind bars have additional financial strain from the collect calls from their spouses, the commissary monies they send, and the travel costs incurred in visiting (Martin).  Wives with incarcerated husbands are often left with a feeling of abandonment (Barretti and Beitin).  The emotional and physical stress that the mother undergoes is definitely witnessed and felt by her children.

While this is a growing issue in the United States, in other countries children and families also suffer the effects of stress from having a loved one incarcerated.  It has been twenty years since the 1994 genocide happened in Rwanda, but it's effects were lasting (Rutayisire and Richters).  Many women whose husbands were imprisoned after the genocide have had to deal with the tress of shame, anger, and social isolation (Rutayisire and Richters).  Many women tried to hide the truth from their children and worried that their daughters would not be able to find honorable husbands (Rutayisire and Richters).  Many children grow up with the fear that they to might be capable of committing crimes (Rutayisire and Richters).

I feel it is important for early childhood caregivers to be open-minded and non-judgmental when caring for children dealing with the stress of having an incarcerated parent or guardian.  It is also important to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of the family as a whole.  Both the children and the families will greatly benefit from the care and support.

References
Apel, Robert, Arjan A. J. Blokland, Paul Nieuwbeerta, and Marieke Schellen. "The Impact of Imprisonment on Marriage and Divorce: A Risk Set Matching Approach." Journal of Quantitative Criminology 26.2 (2010): 269-300. DOI 10.1007/s10940-009-9087-5. Web.

Arditti, Joyce, Sara Smock, and Tiffaney Parkman. ""It's Been Hard to Be a Father": A Qualitative Exploration of Incarcerated Fatherhood." Fathering: A Journal of Theory, Research, and Practice about Men as Fathers 3.3 (2005): 267-88. Web.

Barretti, Louis M., and Ben K. Beitin. "Creating Internships in Marriage and Family Therapy: A Collaboration Between a Training Program and an Offender Reentry Facility." Contemporary Family Therapy 32.1 (2010): 39-51. DOI 10.1007/s10591-009-9109-3. Web.

Comfort, Megan. Doing Time Together: Love and Family in the Shadow of the Prison. Chicago:      University of Chicago, 2008. Web.

"Department of Correction." CT.gov Portal. Web. 21 Nov. 2014. <http://www.ct.gov/doc/site/default.asp>.

Geller, Amanda, Irwin Garfinkel, Carey E. Cooper, and Ronald B. Mincy. "Parental Incarceration and Child Well-Being: Implications for Urban Families." Social Science Quarterly 90.5 (2009): 1186-202. Web.

Martin, Jamie S. Inside Looking Out: Jailed Fathers' Perceptions about Separation from Their Children. New York: LFB Scholarly Pub. LLC, 2001. Web.

Rutayisire, T., & Richters, A. (2014). Everyday suffering outside prison walls: A legacy of community justice in post-genocide Rwanda. Social Science & Medicine.

Breastfeeding is the Best for Baby

When I was pregnant with my first child, I at first thought I would bottle feed him.  But, during my pregnancy I read a lot about the benefits of breastfeeding and decided that I would definitely give it a try.  Since Thomas was taken to the children's hospital when he was born, I had to bring my milk in using a breast pump and allow the nursing staff to bottle feed him my breast milk during non-visiting hours (when rounds were done).  Once we brought him home he refused to take a bottle and breastfed exclusively.  He was weaned at 24 months.  Breastfeeding my second child, Theresse, was quite different.  She brought my milk in and it hurt!  I had the same lactation consultant as I had with Thomas and she strongly encouraged me to keep going.  I did!  Theresse never took a bottle and was weaned by 30 months.

Breastfeeding is so convenient.  It's always sterile, just the right temperature, and ready when the baby is hungry.  Breast milk is nutritious and easily digested.  Breastfed babies are rarely sick, they have less risk of developing allergies, and are less likely to be overweight.  When Thomas was just three months old, he and I broke out in chicken pox.  But, otherwise both of my children never had even so much as a cold in their first three years.

According to the World Health Organization:

                     "Breastfeeding is the normal way of providing young infants with the nutrients they need for healthy growth and development. Virtually all mothers can breastfeed, provided they have accurate information, and the support of their family, the health care system and society at large.  Colostrum, the yellowish, sticky breast milk produced at the end of pregnancy, is recommended by WHO as the perfect food for the newborn, and feeding should be initiated within the first hour after birth.  Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond (http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/)."

Even though the World Health Organization promotes the importance of breastfeeding, around the world less than 40% of infants under six months of age are exclusively breastfed (http://www.incultureparent.com/2012/03/breastfeeding-around-the-world/#slide1).  The Philippines have been working hard to promote the benefits of breastfeeding.  And, yet, only 27% of Filipino infants are exclusively breastfed.  However, this year over one thousand Filipino women joined together during World Breastfeeding Week to participate in a simultaneous breastfeeding event to promote awareness (http://www.rappler.com/move-ph/issues/hunger/65183-iloilo-breastfeeding-awareness-month-2014).

Breastfeeding is the best for baby!

The Day My Son was Born

January 8, 1996 was a day most people who live in Connecticut will remember as the Blizzard of '96 Ginger.  For my husband and I, it is the day our son, Thomas, was born.  Around noon, my water broke and my doctor suggested I head in to the hospital since there was a blizzard.  Shortly after getting settled into my room, they came in hooked up the monitors and discovered that Thomas was in the breech position.  I was immediately prepped for a c-section.  When they finally reached Thomas, my doctor yelled, "It's Spina Bifida! Have dad go with him now!"  Thomas' Spina Bifida had not been discovered during my prenatal care and the hospital we were in was not medically equipped to handle an infant born with a neural tube defect.  The doctor had to finish my surgery, but the room was silent.  My first child and my husband had been rushed out of the room and no one was telling me what was happening.

Once I was back in my room, another doctor came in to explain that a team from Yale Children's Hospital was on route to pick up Thomas.  They would normally have come by helicopter, but due to the blizzard they were traveling by ambulance.  My husband and my parents were with Thomas in the nursery, but due to the c-section I couldn't see him.  After several hours, the team arrived.  I was able to see Thomas for five minutes before they left.  My husband went with him.  I had to remain at the hospital for three days due to the c-section.  Thomas was an hour away in the children's hospital undergoing surgery to close his back.

It was not the first-time birth experience I had planned for.  Nor had we planned for Thomas to have Spina Bifida.  It was definitely a life changing experience!  Thomas is now eighteen years old.  He has never been able to walk - he uses a wheelchair full time.  Over the years, people have asked what it is like to have a child with a disability.  I found the following poem when Thomas was just a few months old and have shared it countless times:

"Welcome to Holland" 

By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987. All rights reserved. 

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... 

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. 

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." 

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." 

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. 

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. 

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. 

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. 

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. 

A few years later, I found this follow up poem:

Celebrating Holland- I'm Home 

By Cathy Anthony 

(my follow-up to the original ..Welcome to Holland.. by Emily Perl Kingsley) 

I have been in Holland for over a decade now. It has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned.I reflect back on those years of past when I had first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger, the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years, I tried to get back to Italy as planned, but Holland was where I was to stay. Today, I can say how far I have come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more. But, this too has been a journey of time. 

I worked hard. I bought new guidebooks. I learned a new language and I slowly found my way around this new land. I have met others whose plans had changed like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends. 

Some of these fellow travelers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many have encouraged me. Many have taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I have discovered a community of caring. Holland wasn't so bad. 

I think that Holland is used to wayward travelers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, to assist and to support newcomers like me in this new land. Over the years, I've wondered what life would have been like if I'd landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today? 

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and at times I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. And, yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift. I have learned to slow down in ways too and look closer at things, with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its tulips, windmills and Rembrandts. 

I have come to love Holland and call it Home. 

I have become a world traveler and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land. What's more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things that Holland, or any land, has to offer. 

Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned. Yet I am thankful, for this destination has been richer than I could have imagined! 

Even though being separated from Thomas for the first three days of his life was painful, I am incredibly grateful that we lived close to a hospital that was medically equipped to care for Thomas.  I recently read "Anifa's Story" (http://www.cdc.gov/features/folicacidstory/) about a baby boy born with Spina Bifida in Nigeria.  The village that he was born in has no medical facility and he had to wait nine months before his initial back closure surgery could take place.  Here in the United States, the initial back closure is done within the first 24 hours of life to reduce and further spinal cord damage and reduce the chance for infection. I also found these amazing photos of what it is like to give birth in a medical facility in Africa on this website: www.mariekevandervelden.com/giving-birth/