The "Disagreement":
A couple of years ago, I was in a tumultuous time in my life. For reasons I'd rather not go into, my husband was unable to be at home and unable to work. I found myself in a position of raising our two kids on just my income. I was trying to qualify for a mortgage modification to stop foreclosure on our home. I had very little spare time. I was working full-time, going to school full-time, keeping busy with my children and their activities, and visiting my husband whenever I could. An ex-friend, chose to re-enter my life and wanted to become friends again.
We met for lunch. I felt it was awkward. After that lunch, she texted me and messaged me over social media constantly. She had things going on in her life and seemed to really need a friend. So, I decided to try to do the friendship thing.
One day, I met her again for lunch. During lunch, she said that she doesn't like that I don't make more time to go out with friends (namely her) and that it's so frustrating trying to set up time with me. By this time she knew what was going on in my life, so I just reminded her that I had a lot going on in my life. She said that I should visit my husband less. I was taken aback by this and said that visiting my husband less was not an option. She stated that I was being ridiculous. She was raising her voice and continued to discuss how I should make more time for her by spending less time visiting my husband.
The "Strategies":
In reflecting on the outcome of the above conflict, I realized that I had used some of the strategies that come from practicing nonviolent communication. One of the skills of nonviolent communication is:
"Connecting with the universal human needs/values in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling (Center for Nonviolent Communication)."Another skill of nonviolent communication is:
Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want and that is truly a request and not a demand (Center for Nonviolent Communication)."I realized in the moment that her attack came from her need for emotional support and a friend or companion that could spend a lot of time with her. I also knew that I was not the person to fulfill her needs and she was not capable, at that time, to understand my feelings and needs. I did tell her how I felt, but it did not resolve the conflict. When she called me the next day, I told her that I just do not think I can continue to be her friend. She screamed and yelled and told me that I will regret it. She said that I will end up alone and lonely. After that call, she sent me a few messages over social media and I just chose to not respond.
I feel the conflict was never really resolved, however I also have no desire to try to resolve it.
Have you ever had a conflict that you never truly resolved?
Resource
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI had a really bad conflict with my oldest sister in April this year. We did not speak to each other the rest of April or the whole month of May. My mother-in-law passed away in June and I called to tell my family and my sister showed up at my house within the hour. She was there for me and my husband and helped us through a very difficult time. We have yet to talk about the fight that we had or the things that we said to each other and I am not sure if we ever will and I am not sure if I am relieved about that or bothered that it is hanging over us. Like you, I believe all parties involved need to ensure their needs are being met in a relationship or they need to evaluate the relationship.
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteThere are many people that cannot handle hard situations on their own and like to have someone to talk or vent to. I believe that you handled the situation fine and in my opinion it was resolved, at least on your end because you told her how you felt and decided to end the friendship. I believe that the one with the unresolved conflict is your friend....I commend you for taking the time to empathize with her and the situation that she was in. Many of us find it difficult to understand and empathize with others, for example she was only thinking about herself and not once did she stop to consider your feelings.
I also had a very difficult situation about a year ago when my brother was incarcerated and my husband did not want to help me bail him out. It was very hard to understand his reasoning, especially because it was my flesh and blood that was in jail. My husband always wants to say something negative about my brother and we always tend to end jump arguing, we can never agree when it comes to him. Although we agreed to disagree, there is still times that when begin to talk about my brother that the conversation has to be dropped because it starts to get out of hand. I guess this is something that I have to deal with because the person who I have the conflict with lives in the same house hold. I always try to understand his point of view but he never makes attempt to understand mine. I guess this is something we are going to have to try to solve at a later time